Spiritual Growth + My Testimony

As someone who grew up in a Christian home, I always knew about God. I knew he created the earth and the heavens, that he was good, and that I could tell him anything. I remember always being in church on Sunday and singing fun songs with the other kids. I remember questioning why my best friends, and their families didn’t go to church. I remember always praying before every meal. This was normal to me. I didn’t dislike it by any means, but I also knew nothing else. This is how I was raised.

In middle school I went through some of the hardest times in my life, which would later be a blessing for my faith. I battled internally with debilitating mental health struggles, such as anxiety/panic disorders and depression, bullying, and struggles with severe acne. These were some of the loneliest years of my life, and I was stripped of a lot of confidence.

But church was the one place I felt I belonged. I fit in there. People liked me. I prayed a lot that God would take away my anxiety and help me make friends.

I got baptized when I was thirteen. God helped me overcome a lot, and I knew I needed him. Not just when things were going good, but when things were really, really, bad too. I knew even in the loneliness I was not alone. I was blessed with a lot of spiritual leaders in middle school that I still think God for to this day. Specifically, Candace, (my second mom) Natalie, and Stacy. You meant more to me than you'll ever know. These women shaped me into who I am today.

Even the darkest times aren’t all dark with Jesus.

Unfortunately in high school I drifted away from my faith quite a bit for a period of time. I would blame this on busyness, and church hurt, but I think a part of me was just angry with God. As soon as things were going good, a bout of anxiety/panic attacks would come and ruin things. Friendships, relationships, school, the list went on. This would lead to a lot of bitterness towards anyone who hurt me or did me wrong. I became reckless; in search for attention in all the wrong places, and things.

Sometimes, I would question if God was even there. I made some really poor decisions in search of happiness and the sense of belonging. I believed the lie that my anxiety was a way He was punishing me. Or that maybe, He was allowing bad things to happen to me because I wasn't a good person. These were all lies the enemy. Because I thought God wasn’t listening or cared, I did exactly what the enemy wanted- shut Him out. I still believed in Him, and knew that would never change, but did not peruse relationship with Him. Nothing but more loneliness and heartbreak came of this, for several years even after high school.

God was working even when I didn’t see it.

When I found out my parents were moving from Chicago to South Carolina, I was angry. I was living an hour from my family in a small apartment, nearby my boyfriends’. I was upset that I had to make a choice to give up life where I was at ,and have to do long-distance with Jonathan, and go with them- or stay, not knowing what could’ve been, and do long-distance with my whole family. And once again, I was frustrated with God, but I decided to pray about it and ask him to make the decision easy and clear for me. I decided to trust Him again.

Soon after, I decided to go and start a new adventure. In the grand scheme of things, I really didn’t have a lot to lose. I moved all my things out of my old apartment, said goodbye to my friends and roommate, and went half way across the country to be in the South and start fresh with my family. (And my sweet boyfriend Jonathan followed!!)

God really knew what I needed before I even did. I never thought I'd be living in South Carolina. I never thought I'd love it as much as I do. I love my city, I love my friends, I love my church, and my job. I think God recognized that I was being complacent where I was. I was unmotivated and needed change. And wow, He brought me such wonderful change. <3

Since I moved, I've made some of the best friends I've ever had, got connected into a wonderful church, and gained my confidence back. I decided to drop any negative habits/mindset and start completely fresh. I read my bible, prayed daily, and started making better choices with my overall health. But also, I started seeing God in everything. The mountains, the waves in the ocean, the sunsets, the autumn leaves, etc. I started realizing how beautiful the earth is that he created and how great He must love us to give us such beauty. I knew my family belonged in Greenville and we had moved for a reason. It was so clear to all of us. I really began to thank Jesus- not just because things were going well, but because I recognize that in those hard moments, I could never have done it on my own. Without Him, I surely would have given up. I asked him for forgiveness for the times that I shut him out. I prayed for my spiritual growth, and to know Him more.

I think there comes a point when your faith becomes your own. You build a relationship with God because you want to, not because you were raised to do it, or because you think it's right, but because you want relationship with him. I've always known God, and believed; but did I really have a relationship with him? I asked God to explore the deepest darkest parts of my heart and forgive me. Then I asked him to give me motivation to read the Bible, because that was incredibly difficult for me, as a person with a short attention span.

Sometimes you have to ask God to give you the will to do something you don’t have desire to do. I can recognize several times in my life or the enemy tries to get in my way of building a relationship with God. The thing is, the almighty powerful God always wins.

It's also helpful to have community with other believers. I am beyond grateful for my friends. I have learned to not be afraid to ask people to pray over me. Prayer is so powerful, and I’ve seen it time and time again. The bible is also literally a weapon against the enemy. I used it often alongside prayer when I was struggling with anxiety and panic. My mom used to read me “Jesus Calling” when I would have panic attacks. I pictured the anxiety as a little tiny monster trying to mess with me, (because that’s pretty much satan), and would whip open the bible and read verses about how He is with me.

It is important to not only praise Him in the good times, but to lift up His name in the bad, messy, and heartbreaking times too. He delights in who we are, and wants a relationship with us. We are not to damaged for Him. We are not too shameful. He loves us so tremendously and wholly, because we are His children. I think sometimes God allows you to go through certain things because He knows that might be what you need to fully surrender to Him. I know that this is a part of my story.

My identity is not my anxiety- my identity is in Jesus.

I am currently twenty-two years old. I am a volunteer at my church for middle and high school students who have similar stories as me. I believe that the trials I went through will be used to glorify God’s kingdom. I may not have seen it in the hard times, but every season has it’s purpose, and I believe God is calling me to now help others through Him. I am beyond grateful to say that He has taken away a lot of anxiousness in my life, and restored my heart in more ways than I can count. Is life perfect? No. But having Jesus to walk with makes it a whole lot better.

Thank you Jesus, for loving me when I don’t deserve it, and making me new.